Is he the one?

Now you are celebrating for finding the right man – YES! – And you are even considering getting married. Is it possible to know that something that feels so good can last forever, if ever?

If you watched news every day, you can see a lot of couples getting married, from locals to celebrities showing the world of their undying love and devotion, only to see them a month or so later, separating because things didn’t work out well for them.

How could it be possible for one person, or a woman for that matter, tell the world of her love for a man, only to realize later on (after getting married) that she married the wrong man?

One can always prepare with this kind of outcome if a relationship has been evaluated beforehand. There are far too many ways to know a man’s true nature and values, and for you to find out if the man you are with is the right one for you. With this kind of evaluation beforehand, the chances of marrying the wrong person will decrease.

To help you decide whether the man you are engaged with is worth the walk in aisle and save you the heartbreak if he ends up your ex, here are six tips:

Know his past. If there is something about your guy’s past that doesn’t seem clear to you and bothers you, and hearing about it just makes you think it’s about another person, your relationship would be at stake. Eventually as wheels continue to turn, what he was then, he still is now. It will come back and his actions will be on a repeat and bad news for you if you were the one during that time. In short, he will slip back to his old ways.

Know what you need in a relationship. Think of those qualities that you saw in him. Not just those that attracted you to him but rather, all those innate qualities that make him worth it. Ask him what qualities does he consider worthy to uphold and value; and if those qualities and priorities matches yours. For example is that he has a job that demands longer hours every day and he likes it, do you think you can handle that? Would you be willing to put up with longer hours to wait for him to come home for dinner? Will you be willing to sacrifice your ‘us’ time with him for the sake of his success?

See the person that he really is. You are marrying the person you know now, not the man that he is going to be like in the future. Think about if he has grand plans about his future, becoming a businessman with all these chain stores in mind, but all you get are the bills for the loan as evidence of the business venture he had in mind.

It is important to have a secure financial future, more often than not, “many women found that they are attracted to marriage because they think they are floundering” as said by Jennifer Gauvain, Couples Therapist.

Family Orientation. When you marry, you are not marrying the person alone but his whole family, depending on how close he is to them. It is important that you have similar or agreeable family values to consider when getting hitched. These people are going to be in your lives once you get married, thus, you need to agree on up to what extent they are going to be involved in your lives.

To cite and example, if he sees his family as worth putting on a pedestal despite the flaws, and in between disagreements he doesn’t side with you even if you are right, then it would cause a problem.  In marriage, you have to put each other first, even if you don’t see each other on the same level all the time.

There should be attraction. No matter how hard times fall, do not overlook the attraction part of the relationship. The spark should always be there. Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, psychologist in Wexford, Pennsylvania said that

“A successful marriage means being more than best friends and that great sex won’t make problems go away, but it can really cushion your relationship during the inevitable tough times.”

Discard the Ticking Biological Clock. If you have a notion of marrying at a certain age, as this continues, your hunt for the right partner will drive you up the wall. Whatever reasons there may be for you to marry, random factors shouldn’t drive you to the edge of grabbing the opportunity just so you wouldn’t be left behind. This will only lead for you to marry the wrong guy.

Marry for the right reasons, not because your birthday is almost out of the calendar date, or your friend got married. Do not settle for Mr. Almost Right just because you feel that you are already lagging behind your bridal time line.

Don’t let fear be your reasoning factor for marrying. Ask yourself if your decision to marry your guy is reasonable enough, like, “Would I still marry this guy if I was not in a hurry?” If you answer a shallow yes, then it might be time to put everything on hold until you are quite sure.

A controlling partner is a partner who makes social, psychological or emotional damage in a relationship. They are perfectionist who finds fault in a relationship. A flaw-picker. This is not developed out of habit, but rather a characteristic in which a person has lived with most of growing years.

This kind of characteristic cannot be changed because the person has already grown and their “grain of wood has been set”. But behaviors can be changed if the person knows and is willing to change them. This is mostly a learned behavior of children with authoritarian parents. With their controlling behavior, they tend to destroy one’s self-image and confidence of the people close to them.

Here we will tackle some common characteristics to watch out for in a controlling relationship or partners. When you feel that you are not growing as an individual, or feels suffocated, it might be that you are already in a controlling relationship.

Signs of a Controlling Partner/Relationship to watch out for:

1. Physical Abuse: If your partner twists your arm, raises his/her fist, kick a door; hit a wall when they are upset, this is a serious sign of a controller. When you encounter this kind of partner, run for your life and don’t look back.
2. Possessiveness: A controlling person is a jealous person. Their uncontrollable knack for jealousy is surreal. They can be jealous of the opposite sex or jealous of everyone you make contact with, and that includes friends and family. A controlling partner doesn’t want to share his/her time with you with other people.
3. Stalker: A partner who wants complete control of you wants to track of you ALL THE TIME! The tendency to call you all the time and asking your whereabouts, asking lots of questions about where’ve you been, who you talked to, what did you talk about, the whole nine yards. Of course, at the beginning of the relationship, you may find this sweet because you think he cares about your well-being a lot, but don’t be fooled; this is his way of controlling you.
4. Mistrusting: If a person, who keeps track of you all the time, is always jealous, it also shows they don’t trust you enough. For a trusting partner, when you tell them you were with your friends, they would say, “Did you have fun?” but a controlling partner would ask a lot of follow-up questions trying to see if you slip up and make a mistake or would tell you, “You were with another man, didn’t you?”
5. Temperamental Outbursts: Most controllers have short fuses. Quick to anger, this makes you uneasy around the person all the time, you will live your life in fear that your partner will get annoyed, or angry. You will be walking on eggshells around them.
6. Cuts off your ties to your family and friends: Always jealous of their partner, these typical controllers will let you get rid of your friends. They will tell you negative comments about your friends and family members, telling you to dump all of them so you can spend all of your time with him/her.
7. Verbal Abuse: Controlling partners have a way of belittling their partners in the relationship. They put you down in front of your friends. Tells you ugly things about yourself, such as: “You are ugly”, “You are good for nothing”, he or she will point out every mistake you did or how you do everything wrong. Or plainly, they curse a lot on you that would make you feel less of a person.
8. Quick Apology – This one is the result once a controlling partner has repeated an offense to you. Things that they have done over and over to hurt or insult you, they would rush to offer their shallow apologies to you, promises to never do it again and the ‘wooing’ process starts, and if you accept, after your controlling partner sees that, he/she will revert back to the old ways.
9. Total Dependency: For a controlling partner, every decision that you are going to make, they decide and you don’t. You will lose your individuality because you don’t grow to be your own person; they will overshadow you with what THEY WANT you to do. It’s never about you. They want you to be totally dependent on them. You will find yourself being resentful, unhappy and gritting in anger if you stay in this kind of relationship long enough.

If you find yourself agreeing to what was said above, then you are definitely in a controlling relationship or have a controlling partner, by now, since you are reading something about it, you know there is a problem in the relationship.

Evaluate if the relationship is worth saving, if you can find it in yourself that you can still forgive and your partner is aware of the behavior and is willing to change for the better, there might be a chance for the relationship to survive. But if you partner refuses to admit the problem and doesn’t want to get help, then it might be time to get away from your controlling partner while you still have your self-esteem and sanity intact.

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-          How to deal with a controlling partner

If you choose not to want to take this route of waiting and hoping he told you the truth, you can always perform a background check on him. Get to know his friends and co-workers. They are likely to know if he is married and usually you can find out for sure this way. Normally you don’t even need to come straight out and ask them. It will usually come up in normal conversation. Ask casual questions and you can get the information that you desire without making it sound like you are performing an inquisition. Be involved in his life and history. Ask questions about his family and his interests. Does he has brothers and sisters? Don’t feel like you can’t ask questions. If you are planning on dating someone and they are truly wanting to date you, they won’t mind answering these simple questions. How else can a relationship blossom without communication?

Keep your eyes and ears open. Be aware of how he acts. Men who are married usually have different, question raising behaviors. Maybe he is adamant on the times you two can see each other and unbendable on changing that time. Does he only call you at certain times? Does he only accept your calls at certain times through the day even though he is not at work? A man that is single will usually be willing to bend times of seeing you and be up to accepting calls and making them at anytime of the day. He won’t make excuses not to talk to you. If he is really into you and wants to date you, he does want to talk to you!

Glance at his ring finger. Even when a wedding ring is not on that finger, signs of it usually being there can be seen. Many times a wedding ring will leave an imprint or a white area where the rest of the finger is tanned. If he wears his wedding ring at every other time of the day except when he is with you, you will know.

If you still have indecisive thoughts on if he is married or not, you can always search the marriage records to see if one exists for him. It is a fairly simple process and can be done today. Don’t live with those nagging doubts. Find out for sure and not get your heart broken.

To Begin Your Marriage Records Search, Simply Visit http://ishemarried.org, or CLICK HERE!

4. Older Women Have No Chance. Not at all true! A woman of any age has a decent chance of finding a suitable man. If she remains open to the possibility.
5. Older Men Are Creepy. Older men have more skill, more patience, and are much more fun than younger men who still have much to learn.

6. Men Can Have Children At Any Age. Yes it can happen but men too have a decreasing fertility as they age. So while it is possible it becomes less likely.
7. Jealousy is Natural. Jealousy if based upon fear not love and is therefore only for losers.
8. Any Man is Better Than No Man. Also not true. If you have skills, and are sensible, you can make it on your own.

Basically, if the sentence begins ‘Men are…’ you can discount it. It is no more true than the myths about women are true. All one can say is that some men are and some men aren’t.

Conclusion
I hope that this helps increase your understanding of men. Men are wonderful people. So are women. That being said, do not get lax during your relationships. Taking him for granted, being difficult to live with, always being argumentative, not finishing what you start, and generally being a pain will kill any relationship. Learn to effectively communicate and keep on communicating. Having a home with a loving partner as
your ’safe haven’ is not so terrible after all. Now get out there!
Love as you live – unstintingly!

They can give up worrying that they aren’t slim enough, they aren’t pretty enough, they’re not young enough, or they’re not sexy enough. They can give up apologizing for their desires, their likes, or their dislikes. They can stop being a ‘good girl’. They can give modesty a rest. They can live out their fantasies to their heart’s content. Bisexuality is not required. But there are ground rules. Whatever you and your husband decide those rules are – each party must abide by them until those rules are changed by mutual negotiation. If you are at all jealous, you’ll have to get over it. If
you cannot trust your husband, or he you, or if either of you doubts the strength of your bond, this is not the lifestyle for you. Either you give up the lifestyle
together or you sever the relationship.
The wives are the ones who decide if anyone is going to play with anyone else. Once again, the ladies control the action. You can relax, look around, and make your decision as you will. No one will question you.

Age Differences
Younger men with older women or older men with younger women; both kinds of relationships will come under society’s fire because society does not like even the appearance of exploitation. If you both can handle the stress then go for it so long as you both are ‘legal’.

Most breakups that happen are painful.  Who wants to be eliminated from the life of the one you cherish the most right?

Perhaps it’s even more painful for the one who has been ‘removed’ from their significant other’s life through text messaging, social media (i.e., facebook, twitter, etc), post-it notes, after all you spent your life (the entire time you were with the person) devoting yourself to them. Loving, caring, nurturing, and just like that, one day, they realized they don’t need you in their life anymore or finding out that they have replaced you with somebody else.

I am not talking about just the relationship per se, but also to marriage separation or divorce.

You see, all termination of relationships should be done in an upfront, straightforward manner, not unless it’s not possible to do that, or you are in a difficult situation with the person that you need to break the relationship off in an unusual manner.

After a breakup, we experience a variety of emotional roller coaster. It affects our life on how we function on a daily basis.

But after that, how do we cope with the breakup? As I’ve said, most breakups are painful, how do we learn to cope in situations such as this? Is there a way to recover from this hurtful experience?

Of course there is, but it depends on you and how willing are you to accept and let it go so you can start healing.

Here are some tips and advice on how to cope with breaking up in relationships:

1. Allow yourself to grieve – One of the best ways to cope up is to allow yourself to feel the pain you are suffering. Grieve if you must. If you allow yourself to grieve for a significant loss, you are releasing your pain and acknowledging what you are feeling. You vent out your frustrations, pains, anger, all of the emotions. Don’t hold unto them inside because it will destroy you.
2. Share your burden – Talk to a friend or somebody you trust. Cry your heart out. The more you talk about it, is the more you are “emotionally downloading” your baggage that you carry inside you. The more you talk about it, its significance and importance will lessen, and you will eventually get tired of telling the story over and over. When you unload your burden, you breathe easier and feel lighter.
3. Forgive your self – In one way or another, when a relationship fails, we tend to blame ourselves. Instead of tearing your heart out over something that isn’t your fault alone, learn to forgive yourself of whatever shortcomings in your relationship. No matter how hard you berate yourself, you cannot change what happened yesterday. All you can do is pick-up where you left off, learn from it and move on.
4. Acceptance – Learn to accept that the relationship is over. You cannot move forward if you keep on clinging to the idea that you might get back together one day. If it happens, maybe it will. But what’s important is the present.  The earlier you can accept that fact, the easier it is for you to move on with your life.
5. Reflect – When the time comes that you have accepted that it’s totally over, and you have forgiven yourself, reflect about the relationship. What did you learn about the person? What have you learned as a person? How can you make yourself better despite what happened?
6. 6. Develop the attitude – Always remember that you were born in this world without them, so how can you say that you can’t live without them? IT’s all about your attitude on how you see life differently. Sure, it’s worth the tears now, but looking back in the future, you can say, “Why did I cry so much about that person, I would have saved myself the tears if I knew I would be this better today.”

If you were left for another person, be thankful that they came along when they did! It might be that you were trying to get away from that person and you just didn’t know it yet. Just thank the person who fell next in line and wish them luck.

These were just some of the tips that works wonders in coping with breakups, there are other ways and not all of them healthy ones but nonetheless others use them to suit their personality and style.

Ignorance of your most basic human drive is not a ‘gift’ and there’s nothing ‘precious’ about virginity. Without some experience with men, and with yourself, your chances of selecting the most suitable husband are slender. Consider that the number one complaint of married men after 20 years with the same woman is lack of sex. Why is that? It is because women have the idea that being sexually experienced, enjoying sex and desiring masculine attention makes them a worthless slut. They pretend before marriage and then give it all up once they’ve had their children if they even have children.

The truth is that women have the same desires as men do. If she manages it properly, she can have a satisfying, safe, and entirely electrifyingly enjoyable sex life before, during, and after marriage – for her entire life. A sexually self-aware woman has the
capacity to ‘out-gun’ any six men you’d care to name. Focus that kind of attention upon a man and he’d be more than just merely delighted. Show him what you like, tell him what you like, participate fully, reciprocate, initiate sex, take control – have fun with this! How can you do all that if you have no idea what you like and what you’re doing?

Within a relationship, of any kind, fair is fair and effective communication is key. This means if you want him to do this, you had better be prepared to do that. Talk with him not at him. Listen to him without looking for hidden meanings or defensively filtering his message. The ’silent treatment’ and the ‘using sex as a reward’ treatment are childish games. Any use of them immediately diminishes your credibility.

Whatever your past has been, focus upon this man, right here, right now. He should not have to pay for others’ past crimes. No ‘past thinking’. He is not solely responsible for the future of this relationship. No ‘future thinking’. All relationships are a team
effort. If you cannot talk about the issue sensibly as an
adult, either it wasn’t important, so you drop it, or you are too close to it and need more time to think it through. There is no such thing as ‘making up’, there are only problems solved.

Do not demand exclusivity unless you are prepared to marry him right then and there. While you are dating, you have only those rights over him that he chooses to give you. You cannot make demands, other than condom usage and respectful treatment, and be thought of as an adult. You do not own him. You do own yourself so take control of
your life – be a whole person with a wonderful life before you go seeking someone to share it with you. This is what you must do if you wish to have any credibility at all and not just with men.

Under the heading of flirting with sexual intent are two games – “Confuse-a-Male” and “Shot Your Fox”. Both are extremely feminine and as such they both entrance and exasperate the men. By using “Confuse-a-Male” you are indicating a moderate level of interest in him. If you play “Shot Your Fox” you plan on bedding him at the earliest opportunity if he doesn’t make a mistake.
“Confuse-a-Male” is where you pull out all the stops and use elliptical references, innuendo, and nuance to the maximum extent permitted by law. Go ahead and verbally tease him and run linguistic rings around him – if you can. An experienced man will know what you are doing, and what it means (he may even play along) while an inexperienced man will just be befuddled.

“Shot Your Fox” is when both the man and the woman slyly and elaborately and with great deliberation refuse to get each other’s jokes while playing one joke off another in a kind of stately dance.This can only be done with a man who is capable of
playing it. The first one who laughs, loses the game. Once again, an experienced man will understand exactly what you are doing and what your intentions are while the inexperienced man will undoubtedly make a mistake.

Men do expect women to exhibit some sibylline behavior so not being straight-forward is okay but only to a point. Some shyness, indecisiveness, and even timidity is acceptable but again, only up to a point. Once you get to know him and he has earned a measure of your trust, he expects you to calm down and relax. The time has then come for you to ’step up’ and enter a relationship or to ’step off’ and decline his offer of a relationship.